image by McGuigan Visuals
I’ve lost count of the number of times times I have lead worship or spoken only to leave the platform wanting nothing more than to have the world swallow me up, vowing never to do it again.
It is so easy to get lost in my own perceived lack, in light of others seemingly ‘extraordinary gift set.’ At times feelings of inadequacy have left me so paralysed. It would be so much easier to just step back, sit down and leave things to those I judge as much more able.
Feelings of inadequacy or feelings in general can lead us; lead us to do something. They can lead us forward, lead us back, lead us to Jesus or sometimes just lead us to do a little too much time navel gazing ha!
It got to a point recently where I was so sick of the rollercoaster of inadequacy (“Yes I can do this! No, actually I cant do this…”) and I knew couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I needed to really allow God to do a deep work in this area. I just didn’t know how.
More scripture? More thinking? Less thinking? A counsellor? My pastor? Who knows! All I knew was that I was committed to walking it out step by step led by the Spirit of God. It was just a matter of waiting and seeking.
Many of my feelings of inadequacy were stemming from me feeling the need to do the small things perfectly; to have all my ducks in a line so to speak; a list of have-to-must-dos to tick off before I could relax and feel I had done well.
I have always thought that Jesus was in control of my life but in hindsight I realised that He was only in control to the degree that I allowed Him. I hadn’t intentionally shut Him out, it was just that only thought to ask Him about the big things.
Should I take this job?
Should I go to this church?
Should I marry this man?
Should we buy this house?
But when it came to the small details, I was doing things in my own strength, using my best thinking and planning not His. I was always open to Him speaking but hadn’t thought to ask about the little things, the small seemlingly insignificant details.
Romans 12:1-2 The Message
So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.
Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God.
You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognise what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.
Was God really interested in my everyday ordinary life and decisions? Did He really have a opinion when it came to what I ate, what I buy and when I went to bed? I was determined to find out. And so, I committed to asking Him about anything and everything that came to mind.
My reoccurring prayer when I began to feel my own desires and will rising became “It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me,” (Gal 2:20). Praying that God would bypass my head and lead my heart, that my feelings of inadequacy would lead me to the feet of Jesus.
I have discovered at a much deeper level than ever before that a life of worship is a Spirit led life. Spirit led in the big things and Spirit led in every little detail of our lives if we allow. Not in a bossy way but in a freeing, intimate, ‘I can’t believe you love and care about me in so many small ways’ kind of way.
The feeling of love has been overwhelming but the actual walking it out part has been somewhat confronting. It turns out that God does have opinions about the seemingly small details of my life if I dare to ask.
Are there areas of your life that you haven’t dared or thought to ask about?
I wonder what Spirit led adventure awaits…..
In Love, Carly